A bit of morning anxiety

I woke up this morning at 3:30. Not a huge surprise, I am an anxious person, with an anxiety disorder and our life is currently a bit stressful. Also doesn't help that my job requires me to be up by about 4:15am at the latest anyways and there is a switch in me that if I have to get up too early too often my circadian rhythm gets messed up and anxiety attacks will hit me.

However, this anxiety was due to a bit of dreams (which are just a blur now, I waited to long to post), my current employment situation, but mostly my parents. Things have seemed to settle well for them, they are on the wagon and their health has stabilized. It sounds weird I would have an anxiety attack about them when things are going well, but for some reason that is the trigger for me. Evidently I like anxiety on some subconscious level.

I think my biggest anxiety is the fact that my dad's 66th birthday is Monday. I realize he isn't very old, but there health makes them about 10 years older in body then in years. I feel guilty/sad that I haven't "made it rich" enough to support them as they get older. This means I have less time to take care of them like I want. I barely can support my husband, let alone do much more then a food run for my parents. It isn't like my parents expect it, or that anyone outside my own head looks poorly on me (in fact my parents are very proud of how far I have gotten).

I guess it is just a way for my mental issues to rise up and remind me that they haven't left yet.

Things You Should Know has been running successfully for seven weeks. I have gotten great feedback and found I really enjoy this (almost more than video game LP’s). My next step is to add a third regular series of videos per week (my eventual goal is actually four, but I only want to add a single regular/semi-regular series at a time). Right now I am just trying to figure out what to do.

I want to cover things that most people don’t know or aren’t familiar with. I have kicked around the idea of something else historical (maybe a biography of lesser known people, or more recent history bits). I was also considering going into areas I am less familiar with. This would force me to learn stuff and I think that is great. I am considering astronomy (that is awesome), debunking myths, or perhaps teaching a new type of class (much like my accounting videos), even something along the lines of a science, or math type thing.

Before I make any decisions I wanted to ask people who do watch the videos, anyone have ideas? The basic idea is it would have to be teachable in 3-8 minute segments (or be able to be split up among segments), interesting enough that people want to watch and something I can do visually. I love the accounting series but that is about as dry as I want to go with a series. The Civil War stuff is great, especially with some of the pictures I can find, but I wonder if it would have been better to start with something like a more current war, that way video footage would be available.

Either way I wouldn’t start it up for a couple/few more weeks just so I can film up a respectable back stock, I am thinking around May 1st. Let me know what you think.

A Pet Peeve

Earlier today I posted a shortened version of this pet peeve in my Facebook/G+. The husband unit and I have both talked about this before, but I thought I would share it all with you.

Lately I have been reading the Anita Blake series. Yes it is typical urban fantasy, much like Dresden Files. It does tend to have more and more sex in it (which I have no problem with at all), along with a Mary Sue character. My complaints have nothing to do with any of this. I like romance-esque type novels and it fits well for my style.

However, I firmly believe that eight books into a series, I would hope the character is older, that their life changes like a real person and that the story writing shows the advancement in age. When you have had eight major threats to your life, impressed powerful adversaries and made powerful friends, it isn't going to happen over a few months or even a little over a year. This happens in all mediums (tv, comics, etc) and it bothers me each time.

I am sure part of my issue is that all books are about teens/twentysomethings (and I have a rant later about that), but even barring that I feel like a whole HUGE section of the story isn't being told. I like the idea of the story also including the journey of the person through their life, not just episodes that seem to happen one after another.

If I ever did start writing, I would generally age the character(s) AT A MINIMUM the amount of real time that has passed. If they started out age 25 when the first book was written, then four books over four years pass they would be 29 (and by the 20th book they would be AT LEAST 45, assuming you right one book a year). I do this in my roleplaying games that I run. The minimum time between adventures is the time in real life since the last session (unless of course we stopped halfway through last game, but that is the exception, not the rule). I love watching characters progress, and I think the eventual aging only adds to the story.

I really don't have an answer, and I will still read the books. Maybe I will actually start writing again and see if I can bypass this instinct that writers seem to have to not progress time. I just wanted to share a pet peeve I have with you, so there you go!

Sugar Britches

Lately there has been a long string of incidents where I post a point of view that isn't lock-step with others in my equivalent social group. This has ranged from political, racism, sexism, "the transgendering" (yes that is not a real word but it is a real phrase used to me and those I love), privilege and even into personal tastes in entertainment.

The average scenario starts with me posting something provocative or counter to what others think. There is usually some support and some opposition to my post. This is absolutely normal and I expect it. Hell there are times when the conflict gets heated (and I love a good argument, because I was literally raised by human wolf pack).

At some point, someone feels hurt or put out (or says something about Jello - that is my nuclear button if you want to push it). Then they either flounce off or just stop talking. 

I am always caught off guard by that, my family/friend background usually meant we all hugged at the end and laughed about it no matter how bloody it got (once again I know my experience growing up is not normal).

Then they all of a sudden post some passive aggressive crap about the situation (oh I note the irony that I am doing that here, but it happens so much I wanted to write about it). I never feel I should address their passive post, if is after all their journal/page and their right to do so. 

I used to just boot people for being passive aggressive like that but it happens enough I stopped doing it (except if they bitch about jello then they are gone and I burn the ground and salt it, told you that was my nuclear button). However now I just mock it out loud and move on. Although I do have a message for those who are like that, it's not politically correct but that isn't my problem.

Guess what sugar britches. This would be a boring world if everyone agreed with each other. I don't agree with a lot of people but it doesn't bother me personally when it happens. If you want to be an open minded adult you may realize that not everyone thinks alike. I am not going to agree lockstep with other gamers because some gamers think everything is cool. I am not going to agree with other white guys that we are oppressed. I definitely won't agree with most fiscal and social conservatives. Let's just say to everyone, I probably won't agree with everyone on everything (and contrary to what some believe I don't even believe or like everything Jello likes... I know I know your mind is blown by that).

What I am saying to all of you sugar britches out there, get over yourself, not everyone has to agree with everything you believe. You can still like someone with differences. Oh and yes before we get anywhere I am an elitist jerk, but I am ok with that :).

Oh and this post might seem weird because I typed it on my iPhone and that is a lot harder than you would think.

Work Update

I have been unemployed for exactly three months now. I figure I will go into detail on the problems of my old job once I have a new job and am safely employed.

Yesterday however I had something unusual occur. I have had four employers circling me as a possible employee. One of them was a job that was relatively low pay (about 40% pay cut for me) but it sounded cool when I applied. I went into the interview a couple of weeks ago and found some things I didn't like about it (once again I will go into it when I have a new job for reasons that will become clear later in this post). After the interview I decided I did not want that job, unless I had no other options (and then I will still go look for something else after starting for them, unless I am stunned and find I like the job).

After that interview I had an interview with the Insurance Commissioner as a Financial Examiner this last Monday. Basically I would go in and audit insurance companies and brokers (especially brokers) and ensure they are abiding by state law. I want this job, it fits with my personality and is better paying then my job as an Assistant State Auditor. I was hoping they want me as well.

So on Tuesday I got a phone message from the job I don't want, asking me to call them. Since I am on unemployment I have to be careful about refusing work, although this job is fairly low pay and lots of travel so I am sure it would be considered acceptable.

I avoided returning the call on Tuesday, and on Wednesday the Insurance Commissioner indicated they wanted me to come in for a second interview the following Monday. Bazinga... That is the job I want and things are looking optimistic. Right after I got done talking to the OIC, I got a call from the job that I don't want. I figured what the hell, I would answer.

Now, first let me say that the manager for the job I don't want seems nice. The parameters of the job is what made me unsure, not the people that interviewed me. She was happy to hear me answer and told me they wanted to hire me. She seemed surprised when I asked up front what the wages offered were. She told me, and they were about 40% less then my last job. I told her that wouldn't work for me at all.

I guess I was spurred by the fact that I had that second job interview, so I  pushed it. I told her that I couldn't accept the position for less than 25% increase on her offer. She seemed surprised (not mad, just surprised) that I hadn't hesitated for asking for money (this is a state job, so I know what the benefits are). After a few moments where I explained that I knew what the payscale was and that they would have to start me higher on that scale (they were trying to offer the lowest scale). I explained I have a certain level of income I need to support my spouse and the fact is her offer after taxes would be about what I make on unemployment. After a few minutes she said she completely understood. 

This is where I followed it up with another item. I told her I wanted to be up front and that even with the increase I couldn't give her an answer at the moment. I told her that I was a finalist with the Insurance Commissioner and that the payscale for them started at about where her agency ended (and I probably wont be offered the lowest). She seemed surprised and impressed. The impressed part is what surprised me the most. She seemed even more eager to hire me. She told me she understood, they really want me and she would go to bat for me with HR to get me an increase. She just asked to let her know when I know if I take the OIC job, then she can push for a raise for me.

The whole reason for this post is that it was weird. I was dismissive of the offer, countered with a number 25% higher then what she offered and told her even with that she was my second choice. She was even more interested in hiring me.

Wolsey was there the whole time listening (my spouse for those who aren't familiar). Wolsey said I had a lot of confidence in my voice and that the prospective manager's response is really common for that kind of confidence. I am not normally confident, and it was a weird feeling that I was so uninterested and dismissive that someone wanted me even more after that. Wolsey explained this is why sometimes assholes get really interesting and highly sought after mates, because the confidence exuded is what people are attracted to. Wolsey suggested I keep doing that with everything.

I guess that was my first real bout of self-confidence in over a year (my last job hired me on October 8, 2012 and my confidence and self outlook has suffered greatly since accepting that job). YAY for self confidence.

Just a note, I have started my blog devoted to being the spouse of a transitioning FtM husband. If you are interested, you can find it here: http://transspouse.blogspot.com/

It is important enough to me that I am going to sticky this for awhile. New posts will appear below.

It's a new blog

Here we are on another blog. I do have an older blog, over 12 years old, but it is time for a change. My life is one incredibly big change, work, social, mental, marriage (no, not divorce), and just myself in general. Maybe it is because I hit the magical age of 42, after all Douglas Adams thought 42 was the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe,  and everything.

I can't even really identify why I need to change, except I need to start my blog over. I will have my old blog linked from here, you can read where I come from. This blog is about my life, the little things like movie reviews, to the big things about how I want to present myself to the world.

This will mostly be boring, but if you are easily offended by someone with tattoos, socialist tendencies and a bit genderqueer then maybe this isn't the place for you.